Are you just finding out that you are old?
I am 37…and am realizing I am old…
I am not ancient, but definitely old. How do I know I am old? Or at least older? There have been a few revelations which have occurred recently, voluntarily or not, pushing me into a world filled with ‘Aha’, and ‘Wow…that just happened’.
Clothes (they change when you get old)
This should be an obvious thought but to the person wearing the outfit? It is usually never obvious.
What is getting old about my clothes? Let’s go over what was cool 10 years, and now is just an ‘old dude trying to fit in’ / ‘an old dude looking like a DB’ / an ‘old dude who shouldn’t be a dude, and just a man’.
What clothes make you look old (because it isn’t cool anymore):
- Cargo Shorts
- Flip Flops
- Expensive sneakers
- Brand name labels noticeable from distances over 20 ft.
- Loud watches
- Huge brand name belts
Most of these should be obvious, right? Not for old people.
Honestly, cargo shorts (make you look old) should be understood, along with flip-flops: you aren’t McGuyver and we don’t live near a beach (unless you’re in Cali or Florida). I am from Texas, and honestly, if you claim Galveston as a beach sanitary to floss flip-flops, you’re either a badass or oblivious to disease, and you should rock flippy-floppies all day. It’s time to move on from cargo shorts: you aren’t carrying the next few years’ of flies for your flyrod, and we aren’t reproducing ‘A River Runs Through It‘.
Flip-flops make you look old: I have never been a fan of them. I don’t live near a beach. I have no interest in airing out my feet. I also don’t want you checking out my feet or my toes. It’s the saddest display of pure laziness: I just didn’t feel like going that extra mile to wear socks, so I just went ahead and smacked two pieces of rubber on my feet, which can adeptly mold to my feet by the smallest obstructing piece of plastic between my big toe and index toe. What is exciting about that? Are you old? Yeah, every second of preparation matters when you get old…spend that extra few minutes to find socks…because as you find out with age, socks actually can make an entire outfit without raising a finger (or toe).
Expensive sneakers make you look old: This has recently dawned on me: owning expensive kicks isn’t cool when you get old. Girls have no interest in your Yeezy collection, your Bape collection, or your limited edition Force Ones. Honestly, I have every pair of Yeezy’s…in their own closet…where has that gotten me? Absolutely nowhere: they stay in my closet and are rarely worn, for fear of them getting dirty? No! For fear of someone looking my direction, ‘dude that old dude is wearing Yeezy’s’. For the amount of money and time spent acquiring each pair, I could have easily spent that effort on certification classes for some other work specialty (yep…that’s an old comment…WHAT CAN I LEARN?), a trip, tickets to concerts, etc. The possibilities are endless.
Loud ass brands make you look old: Seriously…this completely a societal thing: your bags logos keep getting bigger every time I see you. There is absolutely nothing cool about a bunch of people showing up to brunch, and dropping their bags on the table like we are comparing results from the recent hunter-gatherer event. You dropping your gigantic Louis purse on the brunch table helps us realize a few things:
- Your bag is fake
- You want everyone to check you out
- That is literally the only thing you own
- You spent the previous 3 months acquiring it
- Your about to spend under 10.00 on food, and tip even less
- Your still trying to fit in with the younger generation (who doesn’t realize it isn’t that cool)
Loud watches make you look old: Yet another point I am guilty of: wearing watches out of your realm does not help, it just makes you look older. In our current age, what need is there for a watch? I mean really. You have a phone, with a clock. You have a car (I hope) with several clocks (analog or digital…it’s your choice). You can say you’ve reached a level of success when watches become a luxury, not a necessity. Who wants to break the bank buying a watch, then eating like a pauper for the next few months? Just get something which can tell time, or wear bracelets. It isn’t a huge deal, and it makes you look old, not young.
Huge brand name belts make you look old: I must have missed the memo on huge belt buckles being cool…like ever. When did this happen? Who wants to lug around a huge piece of metal on their stomach? What if your name doesn’t start with an ‘L’ or a ‘G’? Makes no sense to me. Hey, my name’s Jimmy…but…I wear a belt with a massive ‘LV’ emblazoned silver belt buckle to display my utter fascination with the letters. It’s a belt, it has a purpose: holding your jeans up from falling off your old ass. Do I really need to explain this any further? This one is pretty obvious.
Jeans: Jeans can make or break you looking old, getting old, look old, look cool, not look cool, ‘damn that dude is old’, ‘geez what is that old dude thinking’, etc. This is yet another recent revelation/dawning/epiphany I have gone through, like someone touched by the Hand of God (Mano de Dios). Jeans should define your legs…and more importantly (at least to me), they should express something to everyone: YOU DO LEGS ON LEG DAY. Seriously, when are you excited about disclosing your waist size? That is a sign you are old. ‘Yeah I’m an uhh…yeah…let me look…’ ‘Do you want me to look?’ ‘No dude, you don’t know where the tag is, I’ll just do it.” Holes in the jeans is becoming a problem: I am guilty of thinking this was okay, but it really isn’t okay…women my age or around it have no interest in looking at your ratty ass, and your ratty ass jeans, or your attempting to look like a ratty ass bum. What are you trying to do?
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